Ouch

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There was a hole in one of the bags, leaving a trail of $20 bills on the sidewalk. Spotting this, a police officer stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and collect them. Thanks for the warning."

"Well no, not so fast," said the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh no," said the little old lady. "You see, my garden backs on to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right onto my flower beds. So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big pair of shears and each time someone sticks his member through the bushes, I say, ‘$20, or off it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughed the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

New Month ..New Groan

Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian. "What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.

"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc," the gator says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by."

Concerned, the vet gives him a thorough examination and hands him a few pills.

"What are these?" the gator asks.

"They're pills very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.

"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem," the alligator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?"

"Well," the vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."