Three in a Row (as in this is the 3rd Joke in a Row)

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied... "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize."

Ewwwwww

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."


"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A Thinker

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:


- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery


The prize-winning essay read:


"My God," said the queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

The Week- end to End Breast Cancer

When I woke up this morninng and glanced out my window I saw a double row of porta potties on the bike path across the street from me. My first thought was a to be rock concert, to my relief it was not. It was a break stop for The Week end to end Breast Cancer.
This the 5th of the same organized by the Jewish General Hospital. There were at least eight women manning this station, offering water & Gator Aid, to one and all of the 2,000 walkers.
They (the walkers that is, ladies & gents) left The Uniprix stadium at ?? AM this morning to finish at Queen of Angels in Dorval (about a 30 KM) march and to return to Uniprix (Jarry Park) via a different route tomorrow.
More pics on my FaceBook
http://www.cjad.com/news/565/980190

This is Just Wrong

Today, as alerted by a customer, I read the labels of certain bottled waters we sell, Dasani as bottled by Pepsi and Aquifina as bottled by Coke (perhaps visa versa)
On both of the labels it clearly stated that the source was the municipal water systems, which means TAP WATER shame on us, now we are paying for the same water (to drink)that flows through our toilets.
B.T. was right there’s one born every minute.

Tommy vs James

Montreal radio is in ruins.
Last week CJAD (an Astral Media station) let some of their key on air people go, the most remarkable of which was Peter Anthony Holder, the most inane Rod Dewer.
Today it was announced that Paul Zacab (Tasso) along with Suzane would no longer be part of the morning crew along with Aaron Rand, what the hell it’s only been 25 years. Ratings were stated …. bull&^%$$
IMHO CJAD would be well if they fired Tommy, not only would they be rid of a one tune opinion, but they would have a better bottom line, the seemingly goal of Astral Media, but they could hire a better man as in James Many (Montreal Gazette) who is so much more entertaining then Schnurmacher, I mean look at his web (Tommy’s www.cjad.com) pic, is this the face of a believable source ?
It seems that the 401 wins, that’s right check out Bill Carroll shadowing Tommy, for example
I use to love ….nay adore radio but I’m having 2nd thoughts
Short message, bye bye Schnurmacher, hello James Many

I am not usually moved by on line videos but
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YY4hICSiRa4
Please drive safe

My Friend Brig

It’s Friday night so that means it’s almost supper time. Let me explain. Every Friday, Saturday, or Sunday my friend Brig cooks me supper.
Sometimes it’s butter chicken, or chili (mmmmm) perhaps Sheppard’s pie (when she gets the sheppards I’ve no idea) it could be steak, or burgers, the list is long. The meal always come with potatoes and or onions, and if I ask there will be salad with Renee Sauce (thanks Renee)
Oh and then there’s the Italian sausage. These sausages are delicious and when I go into the kitchen to put my dishes in the sink, an extra sausage or two jumps onto my plate Yahoo !!!
So thanks Brig, I’m glad you The Brookes, and the Murphy/ Mcphees are taking care of us bachelors

The Gabby Cabby

Hi blog readers
As you know a few weeks ago CJAD radio sadly dismissed Peter Anthony Holder, and with his demise, the end of Holder Over Night.
Peter had many interesting guests, including authors, actors, and the strange.
By far however, one of the most interesting was Peter Franklin, the Gabby Cabby. Peter could regale the audience with great sometimes far out stories. Mr. Franklin has his regular job is a New York City cab driver. He told stories of his regular everyday experiences. He told stories of “famous” people he had in his car and others that he saw. He also had an admirable collection for the Joke of the Day All about his from his yellow mobile conveyance lounge.
He had no difficulties in expressing his inner feelings including political.
He can give you a cab ride or a tour of New York City. He can sell you a book or even sell you a cab
In brief he is first a cab driver, but at a close second, an entertainer.
Here is his web site http://gabby.com/
You can on that page find out where you can hear him.
He’s one busy guy. Now, if you mention you read about him here on Keith’s Thoughts you might even get a discount………..NOT
Thanks Peter & Peter
Have a good Friday

The Number You have Dialed....

Last week I checked into my hotel in Toronto I and was a bit lonely.

I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone
books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found
an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over, in the phone book.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair,
long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck,
give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.......... God, she sounded sexy..

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear
you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what
I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now! Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that
sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

Who Wants to Be.....

The popular game show that made its debut ten years ago is back in prime time for ten evenings.
I am sure most of you are familiar with the concept, so I won’t go into the rules.
In the “life line” category I have decided on the three people I want on my “phone a friend” list. Id pick Bob McCracken, one of the cleverest people I know, Brig Lafontaine, in case there is a food question, Lawrence Langevin who has forgotten more about music then I’ll ever know and Rolanda Murphy who never stops learning.
I know you’re only allowed three, but what the %$##
Now, you may well ask what about your brother Dave, the answer is simple he’d be in the audience.
Now my question is who would be your “phone a friend list”?

Facebook

Now…Ive been “with” Facebook for some time now. Most times it’s fun what with “poking” Donna and trying to follow Brig’s quizzes. However what a pain in the back side when you try to find some one and they haven’t posted a photo,
Get with the program people… it’s called FACEbook
Ok, now I feel better

514 790 0991

As you read on my previous blog Peter Anthony Holder lost his job with CJAD. Most of the jokes I posted here where from his show. I’ll miss stealing those. So thank-you Peter, I’m sure I’ll catch you again
Have a look at his page http://www.peteranthonyholder.com/
He often took jokes from listeners and never failed to thank them for their submissions, he even used mine once & while, Truly a gentleman's gentleman
Here’s his last joke.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009 -- Viagra

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

So you wanna be in Radio

Hi
It’s a sad day for Montreal.
Eight members of the CJAD staff have been released from their positions. Many of them were on-air personalities. Rod Dewer who has been there since the floors were wet was amongst them, Peter Anthony Holder who worked just about every shift and supplied most of the jokes you read here is gone as well. Lauri and Olga…gone. Al Gravel, a stall work in the industry moving on. Cathy Colombe a news person has done her last cast. Skip the promotions director has been released as well. Trudy who use to do her show with her husband Kevin, will dedicate more of her time to the newsroom, that leaves Kevin more time to care for the kids.
The one closest to me Lawrence, or his on air name Jake Lawrence has had to hand in his pass card and keys. I have known Lawrence for many years, but he is a professional and I am sure he will land on his feet.
Montreal English radio however is a tough nut to crack. The three major English stations are owned by the same company, Astral Media. Not only are they owned by the same group, but all three stations are in the same building.
Radio is a strange bed fellow, one moment you are on the air, and when you leave the studio after your show you can be told that you no longer have a job,pre notice could be dangerous, imagine getting that news and having access to a mike & an audiance which is why most keep an updated air check tape.
To all I wish the best, thanks for the memories
P.S. Yet they kept Tommy sad .... sad

And That's Why you don't Stand behind a Golfer

This week the very talented golfer Tiger Woods was participating in a PGA tournament.
Had I known I might write this blog I would have paid closer attention to which tournament it was and on what hole the story takes place.
If you know feel free to leave the infor on my comments section
But, I digress Tiger was about to T off when the unmistakable sound of flatulence (a fart) was heard. Mr. Woods stopped, and I quote said “Are you serious?” Now given the current state of telecasting equipment it could have been Tiger perhaps one of his entourage or a member of the public gallery.
Let’s assume for the sake of levity it WAS Tiger I see to the chagrin of Steve Williams (Tiger’s caddy) a new sponsor for the pro duffer and that company would be Depends.

Don't Forget to Put the Seat Up

There is a movement in Belgium to promote the practice of relieving oneself (taking a wiz) in the tub while you shower. It has a campaign promoting this idea on the television, using cartoon images. The government believes that thousands of litres of water can be saved per year, by simply tinkling while you wash.
Do I do it, I guess I do.
Back when my brother and I were in the same house I know he peed in the tub, which in itself seems harmless, but he did it from the door way.

This & That

Had a great time at the 50th Anniversary Dance of Dawson Boys’ Club
Getting real tired of the rain
A tad P,O’d with Bell Sympatico
Getting real tired of the rain
Blood pressure is well under control
Getting real tired of the rain
Pleased to see the Grand Prix returning to Montreal
Getting real tired of the rain
Still wondering about Earl Jones
Getting real tired of the rain
Haven’t made a DVD for anyone………in days
Getting real tired of the rain
Getting use to 27 hours a week
Getting real tired of the rain
Wonders…..where did the summer go?
Getting real tired of the rain
Didn’t get to The Scottish Games this year, why???
Getting real tired of the rain
Still addicted to Face Book
Getting real tired of the rain
I’ll think of more I’m sure but in the mean time
Getting real tired of the rain

I Thought So

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "And a cheap one, too."